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Author Topic: Please raise your hand...  (Read 519 times)

Offline Bearforlife

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Re: Please raise your hand...
« Reply #30 on: June 11, 2021, 08:16:20 AM »
People do not care what other people think of their attire. Folk are minding their business, not harming anyone and yet we are still discussing their attire saying they didn't wash or they stink because they wear a bonnet and PJs on a plane. Why does anyone care what anyone outside of THEIR household does?

You ever have this discussion with your father?

My opinion would not change if I discussed it with my father or not. Also, I am a whole grown woman. I've said in this forum before that my father is the one who taught me to have an opinion of my own and be down to back it up. My mother and grandmother taught me to be ready to stand alone on any given opinion. I am the product of the teaching in my home even if my opinion differs from my father and mother.

I still don't understand why anyone cares how other people present themselves outside. No one and I mean no one is obligated to present themselves in an attractive way just because they are outdoors. That is a personal choice. It is unfortunate that women, particularly Black women bare a burden to be attractive when outside. And yes, I've worn a bonnet in public before and didn't care what anyone thought of me.

Offline j1908

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Re: Please raise your hand...
« Reply #31 on: June 11, 2021, 08:43:17 AM »
^^^^ :clap: Some grown folks just don't understand. Their opinion of others means nothing.
« Last Edit: June 11, 2021, 08:51:12 AM by j1908 »
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Offline cee dog

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Re: Please raise your hand...
« Reply #32 on: June 11, 2021, 09:28:51 AM »
Our opinion might not matter, but believe me it does. This is why so many of them will die alone and be single mothers. Statistics don't lie. men provide access to marriage and relationships.
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Offline Bearforlife

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Re: Please raise your hand...
« Reply #33 on: June 11, 2021, 09:33:07 AM »
^^^^ :clap: Some grown folks just don't understand. Their opinion of others means nothing.

Soror J I could've gone into why the discussing something with my father is incredibly patriarchal but that would've gone over folk's heads. And as I said in the discussion about the lashes, why are there discussion threads about what women wear? We never start threads about men spraying in their hairlines, dying their beards, dirty nails, over use of cologne, keeping an afro amount of hair under their arms cause "real men don't shave"....we just let them be how they be.

You can't be pro-Black but anti everything Black woman or want Black women to only show up as goddesses and queens. It doesn't work like that.

Also, ya'll assume women actually want to be married to ya'll. Statistics also show that women are happier single long term but men have a higher quality of life married long term. There's a reason why my granny never remarried when my granddad died and it ain't cause she was so in love. Cee you act like being single is a disease that women need to be rescued from. It's not. And women are single and mothers some by choice and others because the man who impregnated them never intended to remain in partnership with her and the pregnancy was his excuse to bounce. This is as old as anything in our community.

Offline Capler

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Re: Please raise your hand...
« Reply #34 on: June 11, 2021, 10:08:26 AM »
Bear, I guess it is a generational thing. Day one at Shaw, we all were required to take a social graces class during freshmen seminar. We were taught how to conduct ourselves in public, how to show gratitude, how to dine,  and most importantly how to appear in public. It was a very good and useful experience because most of us did not have a clue. I brought up your father because he and others on campus were sticklers about how we represented Shaw when we left campus. In essences, your dad was our father, and treated us that way.

I'm a supporter of individual freedom, and self expression as long as it is derived from a place of knowledge. Some folks are pioneers and will chart a new path for the experience or to challenge the norm. Others are coming from a place of ignorance, and don't know better, -those are the folk I take issue with.  Sagging as an example. When you do this, select your underwear carefully and make sure they are clean and have no holes.

When you wear a bonnet, and perhaps pajamas and bedroom slippers to the market, why are you doing it? Are you being a fashion pioneer, or are up simply lazy? Sometimes it is not good enough to say, 'because that is what I want to do.' That response is not good enough when you are a member of a community. Here is something from my personal history. Went to the water park with a group of friends, one who just happen to be the 'big d!ck friend'. He comes out of the dressing room wearing one of those stripper things and jumps in the wave pool. Of course water did not help matters much. Never been so embarrassed in my life. We tried to tell him, but he was not having it. Folk complained, and he was told to change or leave. Did he have the right to make others feel uncomfortable? A better question is why did he do it? Was it self serving to show off his manhood, or was he making a public statement concerning his individual right?

My point here is that we are not an island, and must to live as a group, not as individuals. We are required to make concessions to the will of the majority.

Offline j1908

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Re: Please raise your hand...
« Reply #35 on: June 11, 2021, 10:16:23 AM »
There is a huge amount of cognitive dissonance going on here. Black women live in a society where we are not allowed to maintain autonomy and confidence in peace. We are constantly told that black women who are opinionated, comfortable in their own skin, and successful, and intelligent are inherently incapable of finding a partner and being happy.  Especially from  cisgender, straight black men.

Black men have blamed their aversion to us and our perpetual singleness on black women’s inability to submit, more specifically, to them. We’re always too independent, masculine and we have too much attitude.

Every week on this board, I’ve seen posters, disrespect , vilify , degrade , dishonor, exploit  black womanhood for a laugh.  But, then have a the gall and gumption to keeking and being uplifting the next.

For a certain reason, these men feel that it is within their right to set a standard that says that Black women must operate a certain way.  :shrug:

As Soror Bear stated. There are threads after threads about men on this board, but do we chime in “no”.   Because we know, most of the time, you’re asking for help in a situation and want “ Your boys” to chime in.
« Last Edit: June 11, 2021, 10:19:22 AM by j1908 »
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Offline Capler

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Re: Please raise your hand...
« Reply #36 on: June 11, 2021, 10:29:14 AM »
^^^^ :clap: Some grown folks just don't understand. Their opinion of others means nothing.

Soror J I could've gone into why the discussing something with my father is incredibly patriarchal but that would've gone over folk's heads. And as I said in the discussion about the lashes, why are there discussion threads about what women wear? We never start threads about men spraying in their hairlines, dying their beards, dirty nails, over use of cologne, keeping an afro amount of hair under their arms cause "real men don't shave"....we just let them be how they be.

You can't be pro-Black but anti everything Black woman or want Black women to only show up as goddesses and queens. It doesn't work like that.

Also, ya'll assume women actually want to be married to ya'll. Statistics also show that women are happier single long term but men have a higher quality of life married long term. There's a reason why my granny never remarried when my granddad died and it ain't cause she was so in love. Cee you act like being single is a disease that women need to be rescued from. It's not. And women are single and mothers some by choice and others because the man who impregnated them never intended to remain in partnership with her and the pregnancy was his excuse to bounce. This is as old as anything in our community.

I'm actually very thoughtful when I make post, and try to be gender neutral as possible. i don't post about women's health issues because that would be rather useless on a male dominated site. But I will bring up things specific to men. As things go, many male issues are linked to women, and some posters here choose to focus on that aspect.

You are free to ask questions and start topics about men while coming from a female perspective. It might be helpful to understate how men feel about lashes, or other subjects. (People who say they don't care about what others think are not being honest to themselves. ) Have a question for you Bear. When it comes to your appearance what concerns you most?

A. How you feel

B. How a potential mate(s) see you.

C. How society sees you

Offline DAW912

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Re: Please raise your hand...
« Reply #37 on: June 11, 2021, 10:30:36 AM »
Here’s my only take on this issue:  while I personally agree with Monique, people can wear whatever they want, providing it’s legal.  This is what freedom is supposed to look like.
While people have the right to do whatever it is they want as long as it doesn’t infringe on other people’s rights to do the same, people also have a right to voice their opinions.
I can chose to go to the store only wearing a pair of boxers, a tank top and some slides.  That’s my right.  The people that I come in contact with have the right to draw their own conclusions about what I am wearing.  Some people will care or become offended and others won’t.     That’s their right. 
I have daughters and I taught them the importance of making first impressions and representing themselves as the young ladies they were raised to be.  Their mother was  a good role model, so this is an issue that will probably never hit close to home for me.  I love that feeling.


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Offline j1908

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Re: Please raise your hand...
« Reply #38 on: June 11, 2021, 10:33:58 AM »
 (People who say they don't care about what others think are not being honest to themselves.
Why not??

Nobody will ever be as invested in your life as you. Only you know what is best for you, and that entails learning from your own choices. The only way you will ever truly learn is through making your own decisions, taking full responsibility for them, and that way if you do fail, at least you can learn from it wholeheartedly, as opposed to blaming somebody else.

It’s important to recognize that someone’s opinion is often based on what they would do. This alone is the problem. What is best for somebody else, can be the worst thing for you.

I'm just baffled that grown folks are living for others opinions :shrug:

And that's on Mary had a little lamb.
« Last Edit: June 11, 2021, 10:39:04 AM by j1908 »
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Offline Capler

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Re: Please raise your hand...
« Reply #39 on: June 11, 2021, 10:43:52 AM »
There is a huge amount of cognitive dissonance going on here. Black women live in a society where we are not allowed to maintain autonomy and confidence in peace. We are constantly told that black women who are opinionated, comfortable in their own skin, and successful, and intelligent are inherently incapable of finding a partner and being happy.  Especially from  cisgender, straight black men.

Black men have blamed their aversion to us and our perpetual singleness on black women’s inability to submit, more specifically, to them. We’re always too independent, masculine and we have too much attitude.

Every week on this board, I’ve seen posters, disrespect , vilify , degrade , dishonor, exploit  black womanhood for a laugh.  But, then have a the gall and gumption to keeking and being uplifting the next.

For a certain reason, these men feel that it is within their right to set a standard that says that Black women must operate a certain way.  :shrug:

As Soror Bear stated. There are threads after threads about men on this board, but do we chime in “no”.   Because we know, most of the time, you’re asking for help in a situation and want “ Your boys” to chime in.

In support of what you are saying about black women being vilified, I was sicken this week on how he media treated Kamala Harris on the whole  boarded visit flap. Lester Holt was part of the problem. They were trying to get a rise out of her so they could tie the 'angry black women' noose around her neck in the same way they did Michelle Obama. Lester set the boat afloat. Now they are saying she is was being flippant, and dismissive. There is no was they would say that about a white male who responded that way. So I do understand you and Bear's position.

Offline Neymar

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Re: Please raise your hand...
« Reply #40 on: June 11, 2021, 10:44:18 AM »
I don't think women are the only ones who get judgement placed on them. It goes to both sides.


We judge Que for liking fat women
We judge 87 for feeding his kids sub standard food
We judge old sport for being a sellout


All 3 of them are men. It goes to both sides.


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Offline Bearforlife

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Re: Please raise your hand...
« Reply #41 on: June 11, 2021, 10:50:23 AM »
Cap when it comes to my appearance, how I feel is most important. I don't dress for the male gaze though I receive it because men are men. I wear what makes me feel comfortable and pretty in my opinion. I definitely don't wear an eggplant dress, lavender accessories and periwinkle makeup for a man who would call all of it purple. It's for me and my enjoyment. My favorite outfit is gray sweats and a white tea with my afro blowing in the breeze. That's when I'm most comfortable. I also like sequins, silk and ripped jeans worn together. So whatever I feel.

When I decided to no longer relax my hair and I had a quarter inch afro folk had a very negative opinion. A year later the same people praised my long hair. You can't take other people's opinion into consideration because they are fickle and jealous.

Offline Neymar

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Re: Please raise your hand...
« Reply #42 on: June 11, 2021, 10:53:05 AM »
Cap when it comes to my appearance, how I feel is most important. I don't dress for the male gaze though I receive it because men are men. I wear what makes me feel comfortable and pretty in my opinion. I definitely don't wear an eggplant dress, lavender accessories and periwinkle makeup for a man who would call all of it purple. It's for me and my enjoyment. My favorite outfit is gray sweats and a white tea with my afro blowing in the breeze. That's when I'm most comfortable. I also like sequins, silk and ripped jeans worn together. So whatever I feel.

When I decided to no longer relax my hair and I had a quarter inch afro folk had a very negative opinion. A year later the same people praised my long hair. You can't take other people's opinion into consideration because they are fickle and jealous.

I bet the folks were all women. Women are very resentful towards afros. Men love it.


To Kill a Mockingbird

Offline Que82

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Re: Please raise your hand...
« Reply #43 on: June 11, 2021, 10:56:40 AM »
I don't think women are the only ones who get judgement placed on them. It goes to both sides.


We judge Que for liking fat women
We judge 87 for feeding his kids sub standard food
We judge old sport for being a sellout


All 3 of them are men. It goes to both sides.
Who trying to judge me for liking yo momma????
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Offline Bearforlife

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Re: Please raise your hand...
« Reply #44 on: June 11, 2021, 10:57:26 AM »
Cap when it comes to my appearance, how I feel is most important. I don't dress for the male gaze though I receive it because men are men. I wear what makes me feel comfortable and pretty in my opinion. I definitely don't wear an eggplant dress, lavender accessories and periwinkle makeup for a man who would call all of it purple. It's for me and my enjoyment. My favorite outfit is gray sweats and a white tea with my afro blowing in the breeze. That's when I'm most comfortable. I also like sequins, silk and ripped jeans worn together. So whatever I feel.

When I decided to no longer relax my hair and I had a quarter inch afro folk had a very negative opinion. A year later the same people praised my long hair. You can't take other people's opinion into consideration because they are fickle and jealous.

I bet the folks were all women. Women are very resentful towards afros. Men love it.

In 2002 men were not loving afros or locs like that especially when afros are short or locs aren't long and flowing.  So no, the negative comments weren't from women. I already had a Halle Berry like pixie cut and I grew it a few weeks and cut the relaxed part off. Men asked if I was a lesbian. I was not seen as feminine with short natural hair. The same men gushed over my lush long afro a year later. Again why you should adorn yourself the way that makes you happy b/c people are fickle.

 

 

 

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